ONE GIRL TRIBE

It was not by choice or desire. I did not fit in the mold; no one of my stepsiblings claims me as one of their own. I did not get invited to participate in the sports, nor the classmates called my name. My attempts to blend in brought me more pain.

Along the school years, no group wanted me nearby— my lonely self-found content with faithful friends that got close along the way. At the time, I could not explain it. I understood it later; they were also experiencing lots of hurts.

My God always provides even at the time of extreme brokenness. Why did I have to endure so much rejection in this world? Without letting out what I have inside, the loneliness turned to sadness and, on many occasions, tones of grey.

Anger was never the answer until recently, when my heart grew tired of the selfish family behavior. My mind was at odds and disbelieved of others’ mean plots. My soul was changing with a feeling that wrecked the world I carefully created around myself. I acted quickly and stopped it in its track; hate will never solve my problems, not even once.


Unconditional love requires compromise and sacrifice. Let them keep what’s rightful mine. God has always provided all my wants and needs. Even my whims he fulfills without complaint. None of you were part of my childhood, my teenage years, or adult life; what makes you feel you can hurt my twilight years that seem so nearby?

I am above it all now; I gave up on you and found my purpose. God gave me a mom, my boys, and the grandkids to complete the mission for what He created me. I have the ones that are my tribe. You are no longer wanted, requested, needed, or even desired.

I still love you, even if it is from a distance. It is too late to tear down the fence that separated us along the way. You are to be found guilty of my childhood sorrows. You built a barrier so tall a little girl could not climb on her own. You let jealousy and lack of love for the baby girl that came to your house made her feel invisible as a ghost.

You also had a significant loss and your loneliness but made me your scapegoat. The Lord saw fit to provide me with a clan of my own to finish my days that seem every day closer to the end.

UNA CITA DEBAJO DEL MANGO

Estaba llena de estrellas aquella noche cuando oí tu voz después de tanto tiempo. Es la primera vez que hablamos sin tener pena o preocupación. En un torbellino de pensamientos he encontrado tu sonrisa. Llegaste de repente y te fuiste de igual manera dejándome un escalofrío que me estremece hasta lo más profundo de mis raíces. No viniste para quedarte conmigo por un tiempo indefinido. Apenas puedo controlar la respiración. Mi corazón corre tan acelerado como si estuviera corriendo tras el viento sin poder alcanzarlo.

Así fue nuestro destino.

Tus palabras llegan a mí como un bálsamo de aliento. Apareciste justo en el momento donde más lo necesitaba. ¿Acaso esta cita fue concertada en la distancia del tiempo que, en vez de continuar alejándonos, nos acercaban? Respondes con sorpresa cuando te pregunto del pasado que quedó en nuestras primeras primaveras. ¿Eres aquel amor que había esperado por tantos años, o serás la ilusión de la joven quinceañera?

Hoy me cubre los ojos la inocencia, aunque ya tenga más experiencia. El deseo que en mi alma guardaba me hace idealizar la esperanza de lo que jamás será una realidad. Cuando deseamos volver a ver a quien una vez tanto amamos nos olvidamos de las piedras que nos pueden causar tropiezos peligrosos. Queremos dejar que el destino se encargue del mañana que hoy pareciera ser perfecto.

Que esta noche corran torrentes de recuerdos en nuestras miradas fijas al alma. ¿Eres tú mi amado que me trajo la vida para que nos diéramos por fin la última despedida? No sabía que volvería a verme en tu sonrisa o te hubiera esperado otros mil años con mucha más alegría. No puedo con la duda, ni la inseguridad. Hoy quiero desbordar este amor de antaño que una vez me consumió con tristeza y desolación. Hoy una vez más nublas mi razón.

Yo, continué recordándote al pasar de los años y no lo sabías. Te amaré, aunque una vez más sea corta tu estadía. Volvió a jugar con nosotros el tiempo.

Dejaste este mundo que te empañó la alegría del nacimiento de tu pequeño. Admiro que no permitiste que la sentencia con la que llegó determinara el tiempo que lo disfrutaste y lo mimaste con el más grande amor. Hoy te fuiste en su búsqueda porque el dolor de no tenerlo superó lo que podía resistir tu frágil corazón.

Descansa en su compañía hasta aquel día que todos podamos disfrutar sin penas, sin dolor y sin amarguras lo que te negó esta vida. Hoy los dos están completos en la presencia de tus padres que tanto añorabas. Estarás siempre en mi corazón Deli, sigo esperando el día que nos veamos debajo del árbol de mango.

Love Alarm vs Love Shield

A love alarm app works as easy as letting you know that someone within a radius of distance has a romantic interest in you. If you are lucky enough, you will ring his/her alarm back. Installing this app sounds easy and uncomplicated for the fortunate ones whose alarms go off often.

No one could imagine that not everyone will partake in such enjoyment. Life turns highly challenging when rejection is displayed publicly. Been alive should be easy to navigate, but that is hardly the case.

Often people fall in and out of love without major complications whether both alarms go off or not. There is no way to know if we are genuinely interested in each other. We don’t take time to look for the compatibility, likes, and wants of each other.

After all the floating hormones settle down, the truth emerges. We have little in common; we do not share the same plans for the future, etc. The reality is not easy to accept, and therefore, we do not learn; we keep experimenting.

In each fail attempt, our personality changes. We start suffering from a lack of trust; we are a little more cynical or plain out broken and easy to manipulate.

If we could only install a shield, no one will know our true feelings. We would have the upper hand. Sounds good until we realize we have no way to prove to our significant other that we love them back. Sheltering your emotions could become a fake façade of who you are and the true meaning of your words.

We should let our guard down on some occasions. At least you will know that you gave your all. Rejection is not necessarily an image of you; it could easily be a lack of compatibility or interest. We tend to take the thing to heart and develop feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.

Do not allow yourself to be concerned by the opinions others may have of you. Chin up and remember that God created you for a divine purpose. God will move and remove anything that hinders your advance in your God-given destiny.

Subject from “The Love Alarm” a Korean series

Soplo de Vida

Es emocionante saber que pronto has de llegar a nuestra familia. Apenas te estás formando y ya me siento con deseos de tenerte en mis brazos. Me imagino acurrucarte y sentir tu calor mi pequeña bebé. Ya pasamos el primer susto, como me recuerdas a tu padre cuando estaba en mi vientre. 

Sé que pronto vas a llegar y juntas vamos a celebrar el otoño de una forma muy especial. Ya eres una hermosa niña en mi mente. Quisiera saber a quién te parecerás a tu mami o a tu papá. Lo más importante es que llegues saludable y pronto podamos abrazarte. Te amamos y juntos nos preparamos para recibirte.

Crece fuerte y saludable, esperaremos con amor y mucha paciencia a que te aparezcas en el tiempo pactado. No hay prisa mi amor, estamos contentos de esperarte con una gran ilusión. Yo soy tu abuela paterna. Espero vivir muchos años y verte crecer. Ya no tengo la misma fuerza que cuando nació tu primera hermanita, pero la pido a Dios que podamos crear memorias juntas para que nunca me olvides.

Quiero que sepas que tu abuela te ama y que te bendice con larga vida, salud y triunfos. Kagan, este año cambiarás de nuevo nuestra vida, hermosa mía. Te esperamos con ansias chiquita. Dios te bendiga.

Zip it, Lock It, Put it in your pocket!

Good friends don’t tell your story to others; they are gatekeepers to your heart. No one will bribe or persuade them to stab you in the back. They have fiercely defended your honor with all they can. Respect their trust, loyalty and return the favor. If you are ever in their position regarding their secrets, remember to zip it, lock it, and put it in your pocket, just like they have done it for you in the past.

YOU ARE VALUABLE

How sad is having a lack of confidence? It makes us vulnerable to ill-intentioned people. I understand many of us to have reasons to feel less than, but know this: “YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH, YOU ARE WORTH IT, YOU WILL SUCCEED, YOU ARE EQUIPPED, PREPARED, AND ABlE TO CONQUER YOUR FEARS.” Receive it!

How do you pick up the pieces?

Watching the bachelorette (don’t judge) I, realize that it is not easy to mend a broken heart. Where do you find the broken pieces if you don’t know where to start? Those missing parts of our hearts got scattered in the places where we said our goodbyes.

Will they be in the mountains or maybe in the valleys of your homeland? Some fragments may be in a nation you visited only once. If only you could follow the trail of tears, the journey would not be so hard. What if you don’t find all the pieces, or if they are no longer intact?

Your heart will never be as complete as before someone crushed the feelings you held inside. What would happen then? Would a broken heart love with the same strength and trust? Or your feelings will now be subpart. Some are incapable of giving you what they never had. Those feelings of selflessness and true love are strange to some.

How can they measure unconditional love when they don’t have a reference to start? We all want to love without reservation and would like to express our most sincere feelings without holding back. Some cannot help hurting you. They are not responsible, do not blame them is just that their heart is no longer whole.

YOU LEFT WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE AGAIN

It was at 11:29 pm on New Year’s Eve; our aunt messaged me to say you were gone. She finally found out. It was many phone call and messages from all over the country and Puerto Rico.

I am heartbroken and could not stop crying on New Year’s Day. I do not know where to start or how to make this letter make sense. I lose the trend of thoughts when I stop writing to wipe the tears from my eyes. You will never know I was asking for you for the past year.

No one seemed to know much of your life since you left our home. It was not the best time in our life when you left without saying goodbye. Very contrary to your arrival when we went to pick you up at the airport.

It took time to healed from the way things went down in my town. We loved having you around. Believe me, please. The vacation we took together to Universal Studios was great. Remember? My little five-year-old jumped in the pool. I am so glad you knew how to swim. Sorry about your wet cigarettes.

We built a small business and had many plans for you to thrive and stay with us. The dreams do not come together often. I understand it now. I wanted to get ahold of you to tell you how much I care about you and how sorry I am. I did not know where to call you, and I don’t remember you reaching out.

Did you ever forgive me? I hope you did. I can not tell you face to face, not even over the phone. Oh! It hurts so much. I finally talked to your sister, my dear cousin. No one knew you had died a month ago. We all were speechless, sad, confused, and a little angry. No one told this side of the family. How can I send this message to the universe? You had a great mind. Can you place an idea on how to reach you in my head?

I AM SO SORRY, JUNIOR! I AM SO SAD. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. YOU WERE SPECIAL. YOU ARE LOVED BY ALL OF US. DO YOU HEAR ME? I HATE COVID. I HATE LOSING YOU.

I am screaming to the universe. I want you to know these things. Did I wait too long? I know you had pain and trust issues in your heart. I do not know who put them there but know that we, The García family loved you. You are our blood. You were not different than any on this side of the family. We all have our insecurities. You just wore them all in your heart.

Please, help me to stop crying. I can not finish what I needed to say to you today. I know there is more in my heart I need to break for tonight. I need to sleep. My eyes got swollen after crying so much. I will tell you more when I can think better. Today it is just hard. Tell my aunt, your mom, and my other aunts that we love them too. Tell Abuela and Abuelo we miss them; if you happen to see my father, brother, sister, and the rest of the family, hello from us. We think and love all of them, and now we miss YOU.