Today we had the most fantastic time of worship and fellowship. After service, we had a delicious meal. Well, my husband did; mine wasn’t so great—the sad and ugly truth.
Our city borders Kentucky, and we decided to be adventurous. A change of scenery it’s always good for the soul. Once we finished shopping, my husband had the idea of taking a different road to our lake house. We stay in this little bungalow when we don’t have clients. That will be at the end of this week.
Farmland with corn, beans, and tobacco adorned the fields as we traveled down the long narrow road. In our way, the Amish neighbors probably coming back from service waved at us with joy, especially the little kids on the back of the wagon.
Majestic new and old barns presented a photo op. I love saving them for future paintings. Domestic animals and a few horses enjoyed the perfect 82-degree weather. Along the road, a creek I didn’t have time to capture. Maybe another day. In the meantime, look at these small parts of heaven somewhere in Kentucky, the Home of the 101st Airborne Division in Fort Campbell.
Who else but you could leave in my being the deep emptiness that grew with me over the years. Perhaps not having your attention and flattery aroused the insecurity that I still carry with me to this day? Was it your lack of protection that allowed the innocent girl to fall prey to this wicked world? I was a baby, but you didn’t get to hold me or enjoy my sweet innocent smell.
Was that part of your regrets?
Time would not return to mend those mistakes. You understood it a little late. No worries, we all make mistakes. I have so many questions, so few answers. I want to understand you but failed to ask you. Now it’s too late. Those actions come at a high price. You were not the only one that carried the remorse and shame of your error. In me are some traces I can’t extinguish; they are like a voracious fire in the undergrowth. It seems that I continue to overcompensate with my own kids and grandkids for any lack of attention for fear of ending up with regrets like you at the end of your days.
I have no lack of forgiveness, and I do not even feel resentment, just an inexplicable sadness that I cannot tear down from my soul. I never told you about it for fear of hurting you. I suffered for the lack of your presence in my life. I cried for you and longed for you often. My mom made sure through the years that I had a great picture of you in my mind. At school, I felt rejected, perhaps because everyone knew that I did not belong to the family God chose for me in your absence.
So, I was growing and experimenting in finding where to fit in. It seems that the world did not understand me. I felt the need to be part of the big puzzle of life. I wanted to be in harmony with the ones closest to me. But something was missing. I could not fit in. I was an odd part of the puzzle. My edges were probably too rough, probably too uneven, and it just felt that I was in the wrong box. Over and over again, I felt their indifference.
That indifference caused pain and confusion in my lonely heart. Today you are no longer here. I don’t have the option to explain to you what the few years we shared meant to me. There is no opportunity to tell you about the pride I felt to prove to everyone that you existed. That you were not part of my imagination, that you were real. That I also had the surname enjoyed by the brothers I later met.
I continue to feel the sadness that does not seems to leave me. On occasions, it consumes me. What can I do? I’m like that; maybe that’s why those who lived near me didn’t understand me, appreciated me, or allow me to be part of their lives. I am different because I carry thoughts in my mind that they cannot understand. They did not know that I always loved you and wanted to meet you.
Although only less than a hundred miles divided us, I was not able to see you or be around you until the day you shortened the distance between us. I was thirteen, and I felt your closeness. Since that white car, like the white horse and the knight in the story, approached my house, my blood yelled at me; here comes your DAD!.
If you read and heard the song, it means that you have connected with my story. This story is my reality, and it may also be yours. Know that God is a healer and part of the healing is letting go. You may not belong to a piece of a group in society but will always belong to God. Blessings!
We have an inexhaustible source of resources at our disposal, waiting for us to give them proper use. Instead, some go through life complaining about the lack of opportunities and insufficient success. However, this does not apply to everyone since some had severe challenges.
The rest, the healthier, strong, and capable, cannot complain about destiny when they are not using the necessary tools to carve it. I will bring a topic as sensitive as politics. I will mention it because it has caused great division among my circles. During the pandemic that does not seem to end yet, many lost their lives; others continue to work, always using masks and disinfectants.
We could get vaccinated, but what did we opt to do? Some decided to wait without knowing what the outcome will be if they contract the virus. This option is as tricky as choosing who to vote for on election day. What are the consequences of choosing the wrong candidate as President? That decision can bring profound implications also.
I have seen a lot of division in the spiritual sector, so I decided to stay home until I got the vaccine. At church, some used a mask; others did not. In the end, I got confused, awkward when I use it, uncomfortable when I did not. I opted to stay home until I got the vaccine. My humble opinion is that we cannot complain about the consequences of our decisions. We are solely responsible for improving our lifestyle.
I despise the phrase “to each their own,” until now. Nothing is more accurate. We exercise our free will and therefore are responsible for our tomorrow. Allow yourself to use the tools, especially if they are free. There is a variety; I use many of them. These tools will help you improve your lives and the lives of those around you.
What tools do you have available that can enhance your life? Why are you not using them? Maybe it is time to reflect.
A familiarscene in my bedroom (don’t get ahead of yourselves) are tears of joy for contestants participating in various shows. My me-time happens in the evening hours after a long day at the office. I like to watch tv for a few hours in the solitude of my spare bedroom. I relax while enjoying shows like American Got Talent, American Idol, or anything that has to do with competing. I am a 5’3″ fireball with more desires than strength, with more dreams than reach, and with more hopes to accomplish diverse projects than the time I have left in this world.
I’m the one that’s cheering for the underdog, the one with life-like stories. The ones that come from where it looked impossible to get anywhere. Some are insecure, unsure, unqualified, petrified, but they made it to the stage. They defy the lack, distance, language barrier, and who can deny it the draw of the straw. Many didn’t have any support, funds, or someone to travel with them and see them perform. They amaze us and amaze themselves with the audience response while I tear up. That’s how I show my support!
(Full Disclosure) This infatuation started in 1989. I traveled to the US and got introduced to daytime shows while caring for my oldest son and newborn. On a cold December, my family and I arrived in San Angelo, Texas. I didn’t have a car, friends, or dominion of the English language. Daytime shows and Ice-cream floats help me adapt to the new environment o, so I thought.
I enter into a deep postpartum depression that culminated with Hypothyroidism (or vice versa), not easily diagnosed by the doctors. I had a large egg size ball on the side of my neck, and even after many blood tests, contrast x-ray images, and many doctors squeezing it, followed by me screaming of pain, they could not determine what was wrong with me.
I lost lots of weight. I was less than a hundred pounds when we finally got the diagnose. Soon after that, I traveled back home with my two kids, one nine years old, the other one now six months. My father told me, confident, you are home now. You will be good in no time. I took some anti-depressive medicine for a short while and got back to normal in no time. It has been a while, and it never happened again, but the taste for watching people competing for anything never left me.
Si el destino lo dispone y de esta tierra de incertidumbres me arrebata te dejo esta carta para que te quede de recuerdo. En ella mi corazón relata el agradecimiento del que en este caso te hago objeto. Veo en mi mente la imagen del chamaquito de Jagual corriendo la bicicleta para los encargos ir a buscar.
El camino seco, pedregoso y polvoriento te saluda mientras el verdor imponente de nuestra isla te abraza con dulzura. En la tiendita del barrio ya se acostumbraron a que llegarás apresurado y sudoroso con la notita de encargos debajo del brazo. Con el pequeño lápiz delineabas las necesidades del día que te dictaba la abuela o quien sabe esta vez fue su tía.
Así me contabas con detalle y no sé si con algún sentimiento de nostalgia y un poco de amargura. No estaba allí para presenciar estos hechos, pero puedo relatar lo que está historia provocó en mi forma de entender parte de tu vida. Cuando saliste de nuestra isla quizás nadie te dijo lo mucho que te apreciaban. Suele pasar, no lo tomes a mal. No es fácil abrirse al sentimiento.
Muy tarde llega el arrepentimiento para muchos que fracasaron sin siquiera hacer un intento. No quiero que llegue la despedida y que me pase a mí lo que le paso a ellos. Quiero decirte lo mucho que para mí significas y la influencia que ejerces en mi deseo de exponer mis propias historias de cuando era una niña. En mi mente vive hoy un gran cariño y eterno agradecimiento por aquel niñito que en un momento se pudo haber sentido huérfano.
Que la vida te recompense por todos tus sacrificios y te bendiga con muchos más logros. Gracias por tu amistad, tu dedicación y tu bondad. Lo quiero expresar una vez más por si me toca irme primero al más allá. No quiero que me pase contigo lo que me paso anoche mientras le daba el último adiós a quien en vida conmigo tan bien fue bueno.
We do not take seriously the agony experienced by those who, by mere whim and insecurities of ours, we hurt without measure or pause. We bring them into a state of mind that can have dangerous consequences. They may pretend to be dealing with the situation while resorting to medication that helps tolerate the hostility they encounter lately. Many may not complain and pretend that everything is fine while shutting themselves into four walls, wondering what happened to the life they had dreamed of having one day.
A life of togetherness and waves of laughter only lives in their mind, but that has never been an obtain reality. Perhaps one more pill will help silence that overwhelming feeling of loneliness and allow for a smile to flourish on their lips. Just like the famous circus clown of whom we have heard about so much. This time they had to put on the makeup and go out to the stage even if unable to draw the loved ones as part of the crowd. Break a leg!
¿CÓMO DIBUJAR UNA SONRISA?
No nos tomamos en serio la agonía que experimentan quienes, por mero capricho e inseguridades nuestras, lastimamos sin medida ni pausa. Los llevamos a un estado mental que puede tener consecuencias peligrosas. Ellos pueden fingir que están lidiando con la situación mientras recurren a medicamentos que los ayudarán a tolerar la hostilidad que encuentran últimamente. Muchos pueden no quejarse y fingir que todo está bien mientras se encierran en cuatro paredes, preguntándose qué pasó con la vida que habían soñado tener algún día.
Una vida de unión y oleadas de risas que solo viven en sus mentes, pero que nunca han sido una realidad. Quizás una pastilla más ayudará a silenciar esa abrumadora sensación de soledad y permitirá que una sonrisa florezca en sus labios. Como el famoso payaso de circo del que tanto hemos oído hablar. Esta vez tendrán que maquillarse y salir a escena, aunque no puedan atraer a los seres queridos como parte de la multitud. ¡Buena suerte!
I find people willing to help others extraordinarily. A servant’s heart is to be desired. Many will recognize your efforts in making their dream come true; others may not. That’s perfectly okay, God in due time, will bless you with the opportunities and resources to expand your influence and fulfill your dreams.
Luke 6:38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Encuentro personas extraordinarias dispuestas a ayudar a otros. El corazón de un siervo debe ser deseo. Muchos reconocerán sus esfuerzos para hacer realidad su sueño; otros pueden no hacerlo. Eso está perfectamente bien, Dios a su debido tiempo te bendecirá con las oportunidades y los recursos para expandir tu influencia y cumplir tus sueños.
Lucas 6:38 Den, y se les dará: se les echará en el regazo una medida llena, apretada, sacudida y desbordante. Porque con la medida que midan a otros, se les medirá a ustedes.
It’s proven time and time again that finding common ground helps to strengthen different kinds of relationships. While many focus on hiding the ugly face of facts, others find common ground while sharing life’s reality. Whether it is out of shame or survivorship, we all have a gap in our story. It’s a dark hole impossible to fill with all the happy memories. Sharing personal experiences with the wrong crowd can be catastrophic, but finding somebody who can listen and relate to us is a blessing. I hope you find a particular person that allows you to be open and honest without hurting you further in the process.
Se ha demostrado una y otra vez que encontrar puntos en común ayuda a diferentes tipos de relaciones a ser más solidas. Mientras que muchos se centran en ocultar la cara fea de los hechos, otros encuentran puntos en común mientras comparten la realidad de la vida. Ya sea por vergüenza o por supervivencia, todos tenemos una brecha en nuestra historia. Es un agujero oscuro imposible de llenar con todos los recuerdos felices. Compartir experiencias personales con la gente equivocada puede ser catastrófico, pero encontrar a alguien que pueda escucharnos y relacionarse con nosotros es una bendición. Espero que encuentres a una persona en particular que te permita ser abierto y honesto sin lastimarte más en el proceso.
Nothing is more selfish than raining on someone’s parade. Not only learn to celebrate others like it is your accomplishment but help them to get there sooner. Anyone who is faithful in the little things will receive his portion in due time.
Nada es más egoísta que llover sobre el desfile de alguien. No solo aprenda a celebrar a los demás como si fuera su logro, sino que también ayúdelos a llegar antes. Aquellos que son fieles en las pequeñas cosas recibirán su porción a su debido tiempo.
