POR SI ME ADELANTO

Si el destino lo dispone y de esta tierra de incertidumbres me arrebata te dejo esta carta para que te quede de recuerdo. En ella mi corazón relata el agradecimiento del que en este caso te hago objeto. Veo en mi mente la imagen del chamaquito de Jagual corriendo la bicicleta para los encargos ir a buscar.

El camino seco, pedregoso y polvoriento te saluda mientras el verdor imponente de nuestra isla te abraza con dulzura. En la tiendita del barrio ya se acostumbraron a que llegarás apresurado y sudoroso con la notita de encargos debajo del brazo. Con el pequeño lápiz delineabas las necesidades del día que te dictaba la abuela o quien sabe esta vez fue su tía.

Así me contabas con detalle y no sé si con algún sentimiento de nostalgia y un poco de amargura. No estaba allí para presenciar estos hechos, pero puedo relatar lo que está historia provocó en mi forma de entender parte de tu vida. Cuando saliste de nuestra isla quizás nadie te dijo lo mucho que te apreciaban. Suele pasar, no lo tomes a mal. No es fácil abrirse al sentimiento.

Muy tarde llega el arrepentimiento para muchos que fracasaron sin siquiera hacer un intento. No quiero que llegue la despedida y que me pase a mí lo que le paso a ellos. Quiero decirte lo mucho que para mí significas y la influencia que ejerces en mi deseo de exponer mis propias historias de cuando era una niña. En mi mente vive hoy un gran cariño y eterno agradecimiento por aquel niñito que en un momento se pudo haber sentido huérfano.

Que la vida te recompense por todos tus sacrificios y te bendiga con muchos más logros. Gracias por tu amistad, tu dedicación y tu bondad. Lo quiero expresar una vez más por si me toca irme primero al más allá. No quiero que me pase contigo lo que me paso anoche mientras le daba el último adiós a quien en vida conmigo tan bien fue bueno.

ONE GIRL TRIBE

It was not by choice or desire. I did not fit in the mold; no one of my stepsiblings claims me as one of their own. I did not get invited to participate in the sports, nor the classmates called my name. My attempts to blend in brought me more pain.

Along the school years, no group wanted me nearby— my lonely self-found content with faithful friends that got close along the way. At the time, I could not explain it. I understood it later; they were also experiencing lots of hurts.

My God always provides even at the time of extreme brokenness. Why did I have to endure so much rejection in this world? Without letting out what I have inside, the loneliness turned to sadness and, on many occasions, tones of grey.

Anger was never the answer until recently, when my heart grew tired of the selfish family behavior. My mind was at odds and disbelieved of others’ mean plots. My soul was changing with a feeling that wrecked the world I carefully created around myself. I acted quickly and stopped it in its track; hate will never solve my problems, not even once.


Unconditional love requires compromise and sacrifice. Let them keep what’s rightful mine. God has always provided all my wants and needs. Even my whims he fulfills without complaint. None of you were part of my childhood, my teenage years, or adult life; what makes you feel you can hurt my twilight years that seem so nearby?

I am above it all now; I gave up on you and found my purpose. God gave me a mom, my boys, and the grandkids to complete the mission for what He created me. I have the ones that are my tribe. You are no longer wanted, requested, needed, or even desired.

I still love you, even if it is from a distance. It is too late to tear down the fence that separated us along the way. You are to be found guilty of my childhood sorrows. You built a barrier so tall a little girl could not climb on her own. You let jealousy and lack of love for the baby girl that came to your house made her feel invisible as a ghost.

You also had a significant loss and your loneliness but made me your scapegoat. The Lord saw fit to provide me with a clan of my own to finish my days that seem every day closer to the end.

To my school with love

“When I crumble, a stronger version of me rises from the ruins”

unknown

We spend four years of building memories. I remember the old classrooms, the chairs, the blackboard, and the windows across the wall. The door faced the yard where we all played during recess and lunch breaks.

Our First and Second grade teacher was the same lady. So pretty, and serious about the way she taught. She was not as serious or tough as the third-grade teacher, who was her sister. Ms. Garcia, the Fourth-grade teacher was genuinely nice and sweet. It is funny because from her I do not have many memories.

Our minds tend to create a file of the negative impact someone leaves in our heart. It is not often the same for the good of interactions.  The damage from negative thinking is all too frequent. Being tough, too serious, too rude or intolerant tends to stick often in our brain.

Nothing is more vivid in my memory than the students from my classroom and other grades that made my life at school almost impossible to bear. I was too skinny, and that made me a target for rude jokes and cruel comparison with cartoon characters with similar looks. I often was not allowed to play with others because the color of my eyes. They were different color somewhat uncommon. Those words and the rejection wounded my self-esteem for years. 

I did not know at the time but a boy across the ocean in a different country and a different school was experiencing the same ordeal. Not because he was skinny, quite the opposite. Name calling and rejection hurt him while he was growing up. He kept the anguish to himself to avoid embarrassment.

It wasn’t your fault, beloved schools, you sheltered and keep us from the rain and the storms that bring the beautiful rainbows.The hurtful memories are from those ignorant, mean, and mischievous kids that turned the new words they were learning to spell into weapons against others.

Life brought that handsome, blue-eyes, tall and now trim boy and me together. I still look almost as skinny but not quite like then. My eyes are still green, I get compliments, I am loved, and accepted. We both succeed in life and love. We have beautiful children and a house full of joy.

School years are tough.  It is okay. Those circumstances make us the strong adults we are today. We do not remember you with regret or pain, but we are happy we don’t have to go through those years again.

My husband always points you out when we visit with his family in the countryside. I may come visit you one day. Bitter sweet times!

Stay there in our memory, for now.

Letter to the child that lives in me

“Don’t stay down for too long, get up and conquer”

Corazón Samaritano

  Hello:

It has been a while since we talked but I have not forgotten about you. Life is so busy these days, you know. I do not have time to play like you used to, but I often remember those days we spent together.

      In my memory the little girl has a special place. She has never been a way for a long of time. The stripe polo shirt, the shorts, and long socks almost to her knees is the image that I cannot seem to erase. Short hair, bangs decorating the forehead. Why is this image so vivid in my memory? I try to dig deep in the memory bank, but I cannot seem to locate the missing file.

I still ask lots of questions even when I know the answers to may of them. It helps me to be accurate and not arrogant. I know you had a hard time with that. You were not trying to sound disrespectful, it was your eagerness to participate in the conversation. They could not understand you and you were too young to tame yourself. It is okay. It paid dividends at the end.

You were so little, pure hearted, full of hope, dreams, and desires. Smart girl, always wanting to learn about life, politics, religion, arts, and crafts. I remember you did not have the same interest for cooking or cleaning the house. Those were mere tasks that do not feed the heart, too easy to accomplish and nothing more than that. Do not worry, I am a great cook. I learned to wash and iron clothes. It came to me amazingly fast. I am still a fast learner just like you were through all your school years. It is a great advantage, that skill stayed with me through life. Do you know that I also learned a lot about politics and religion, and now dabble in the arts? Of course, you know, because we are still close at heart.

    I have many different memories of you around that time and age. Some are happy memories of you running around in the farm. Getting attacked by ants while crossing the neighbor’s fence or falling on a cow drop playing tap. I wonder if that sad memory is the one that made that time unforgettable. It is too sad to share, much less to say it out loud or give it life writing it down. We know. It is our secret.

      I love the little you in my mind. Through you I learned to accept others as they are. I do not want them to experience the same rejection you had to endure. I am glad it made the strong and careering woman that I am today. Thank you for enduring the pain, the sadness, and the trials you went through, little angel. You know, God was there with you! Do you remember Him talking to you through the wind and the movement of the leaves that day at the creek? It was Him; I know because he still talks to me the same way he did to you.

Stay here, in my memory. The journey will one day come to an end.  We will travel together and will never be apart again. All the sad memories will be vanished once and for all. We will enjoy a life that we could never dare to imagine when you were little. I stay in hope and through perseverance conquer most of all my insecurities. Some of them remain. It is okay. They keep me humble. I am happy with my kids and their offsprings. Life turned out better than you could imagine when we were little.

     Goodbye for now. I will write to you gain.