I’m Not Giving Up

When hope leaves my soul I don’t know where to turn. I search high and low to find a reason not to give up. I rehearse the life stories and the circumstances that brought me to this place.

I can’t go back and change a thing, there are no even a remote possibility. I think, I dream and never find a way to turn time around. Where has life taking me? I can’t reconcile my reality with the dreams I had as kid.

I look across my window and see the farm, the pond, the cows even a donkey is running around. All is so far from the memories I had of my fathers farm in Puerto Rico. I’m feeling lonely, broken, sad and confuse at times.

Why life didn’t keep us together? Why everyone scattered to diverse places. Holidays perhaps reunite us for a little while. I want to let go, I want to give up. Help me Lord to find a reason, to wait for a change of the season.

I trust you will make come to pass every spoken word over my life when I was down in the ground looking up to the cross. I will not give up today, I will hold on as long as you keep me strong and hold me with your right hand.


¿A donde quedó la mujer que bajaba a la quebrada cargando la ropa sucia de la semana? ¿A donde se le fue la fuerza que tenía para estregarla en la piedra y enjuagarla con su espalda doblada?

¿A donde se le fue la juventud sin que se diera cuenta que ya comenzaba a ser una anciana? ¿A donde esconde el miedo mientras se mantiene gallarda aunque sea con sus ganas y el deseo de mantener su altura a la que estaba acostumbrada?

¿A donde se está escondiendo el tiempo traicionero que se le escapa? ¿A donde está la oportunidad de realizar los sueños viejos?

¿A donde está aquel espejo que reflejaba la silueta esbelta que siempre cuidaba? ¿A donde están los años que le faltan?

¡Si ella supiera podría agarrarlos con sus manos y todas sus ansias y jamás dejaría que se le escaparan!

No hay palabras para explicar cuanto amo a mi madre. Cada día me siento honrada de tenerla conmigo.

Life is all about the messy bits

I find myself reflecting on life’s shortcomings. Many people, like me, have a dream of a perfect family relationship, excellent work, and a great church environment. Ideals that are only living in the mind of a dreamer. Life, on the other hand, is a series of ups and downs.

It took me a long time to realize that it would never be a consistent as I wanted. I can thank my husband for pointing it out many times before I accepted. I am a fixer. I like situations to work out for the best. Not being able to reach a mutual understanding caused me a lot of anxiety.

I can talk things through, expose my reasons and accept defeat when proven wrong. That’s not the case for other people. As a Real Estate Agent, I have learned to prove my points by showing my clients proof of my assessments and recommendations. I want not only to tell people what but also why.

Relationships are a lot of work and will not grow unless everyone makes an effort. I’m growing older, and lately, I have given up on having perfect relationships. It is what it is; life is full of conflicts you can’t solve. The messy bits in between the good times add flavor to an otherwise stagnant and boring life.

The messy bits also allow you to learn about yourself and grow in knowledge and lots of patience. I have learned so much about myself in the last few years, just letting the dark times of life be what they are: a time to reflect on the reasons behind the situations and accepting that some will never be better. We all see things in different lights; let others’ light shine through as well.

Our dreams are not everyone’s dreams, and finally, to each their own. Oh, how liberating it is to allow everyone to do as they want, need, or desire just because they are entitled to do as they feel. Letting them go through the process will allow them to better prepare for life.

You can’t help everyone, and some will not let you anyway, no matter how much experience you have. I have learned to embrace the messy bits and wait patiently for the glorious light that comes after the teaching moments.


My mom’s name is Rosa (Rose in English), and she happens to love roses very much. Today as we celebrate Red Roses day, I will honor my mom writing about her. It has been a couple of years since I saw her last and I miss her tremendously.

Last year she had Covid due to exposure from one of her caregivers. Four full days before she went to the hospital, after experiencing feelings of tiredness, we thought it was due to recent foot surgery and the effects of the anesthesia. She didn’t’ develop other symptoms, just exhaustion, and low oxygen levels. It was hard to know she was all alone in that hospital, in another state. I’m grateful she kept her phone and could talk to me every day.

The Covid treatment was very severe but she made it. Her nurses treated her with the utmost respect, care, and love. The nurses even jumped over her to hold her tight when the injections she received made her scream with pain. My mom is 83 years old and while her walk is slow, her mind is sharp as ever. I don’t know when I will see her or if I will ever see her in person again.

I have a terrible fear of cars and from New York to Connecticut is a long way to be in one of them. She is brilliant and we facetime almost every day. I’m thankful for the tools that allow staying close even during difficult times. I love you, mom! You are my rock, friend, and inspiration to stay strong.

El nombre de mi mamá es Rosa (Rose en inglés), y le encantan las rosas. Hoy, mientras celebramos el día de las Rosas Rojas, honraré a mi mamá escribiendo sobre ella. Han pasado un par de años desde la última vez que la vi y la extraño muchísimo.

El año pasado tuvo Covid cuando la muchacha que la cuidaba la expuso sin decirle. Cuatro días antes de que fuera al hospital, después de experimentar sensación de cansancio, pensamos que se debía a una cirugía reciente del pie y a los efectos de la anestesia. Ella no desarrolló otros síntomas, solo agotamiento y bajos niveles de oxígeno. Era difícil saber que estaba sola en ese hospital, en otro estado. Estoy agradecida de que ella se quedara con su teléfono y pudiera hablar conmigo todos los días.

El tratamiento de Covid fue muy severo pero lo logró. Sus enfermeras la trataron con el mayor respeto, cuidado y amor. Las enfermeras incluso saltaban sobre ella para abrazarla fuerte cuando las inyecciones que recibió la hacían gritar de dolor. Mi mamá tiene 83 años y, aunque camina lento, su mente está más aguda que nunca. No sé cuándo la veré o si la volveré a ver en persona.

Tengo un miedo terrible a los coches y de Nueva York a Connecticut es un largo camino para estar en uno de ellos. Ella es brillante y nos hablamos en la cámara del teléfono casi todos los días. Estoy agradecido por las herramientas que permiten estar cerca incluso en tiempos difíciles. ¡Te quiero, mami! Eres mi roca, mi amiga y mi inspiración para mantenerme fuerte.


We all have things that could be considered a handicap or obstacle to succeed in what we want to pursue. How do you conquer yours? Mine was a language barrier, low self-esteem, and feelings of rejection. I didn’t feel like I could measure up or be accepted. These are childhood traumas that had been hard to overcome. Today I am a top producer. My clientele is based on the fact that I speak another language. The very reason I thought it would be impossible to succeed.


Grieving is a slow process to complete. Losing someone hurts deep and takes time to heal. Natural wounds healing is a process you can pamper and help speed along. It is not the same process when you are grieving from the loss of someone you love.

Last night I had a dream with you. It was a very vivid picture in my mind when I woke up this morning. I saw you in the casket, resting peacefully. I believed in my heart that through prayer, you would come alive again. In the dream, you did as a beautiful baby. The beautiful baby was dress in white. He was full of life and splendor. Soon the baby grew, and I saw you. Just as young and handsome as ever. I was so happy to see you again. I could feel the love and the peace you were experiencing.

This morning I woke up and soon realized you are gone. I had a hard time understanding the way I felt this morning. I was sad, then hopeful. I miss your smile. I miss you, and I miss the way you make me feel important. I will never see you again on this earth. I am having a hard time, and I do not know if I should tell someone. Maybe I will make them as sad as I am. I am crying again. I did not cry thinking about you during the day. I waited until the day was over and, I can talk to you in private.

I want to tell you again how sad I am and how much I miss you. I know you are resting in God’s arms. Young, happy, and healed of all infirmities. I cannot wait to see you whole for the first time. I don’t remember knowing you without all the demons you were fighting. I guess I have no option but to thank God for giving you peace, finally.

In John 3:7, the bible says, “Do not marvel that I said to you, “You must be born again.” I got to see you get baptized in the water. What a privilege and comfort that is to my heart. I will keep the faith and, one day, I will see you again. Until then, I will praise God for your salvation.
That was the dream. You were born again, and now you are whole in heaven. God has a way to speak to us and, for that, I am thankful.

My take on Mulan

What a great story, and how much truth I found in the movie Mulan. I will not narrate the scenes in detail because I will like for you to see them and enjoy them as much as I did, twice.

In the movie, Mulan exhibits her gift and talents to the ones closest to her. Soon she finds out they do not understand nor celebrate them. People have a preconceived notion of who you are and what you should do or accomplished in life according to your family pedigree, origin, or status.

Despite sadness and heartaches, she longs to pursue her destiny. In her gifts and talents, she found her sell fulfilled and content. Her father fails to recognize her calling to a vast extent. Meanwhile, he celebrates her talent while worried about the opinion of the villagers.

In one of the scenes, he said, I am blessed with two daughters. It made me tear up. The father’s blessings are important, and we must seek to get them before it is too late. It will cover and propel you to your assignment. The father recognized she made a mistake leaving the traditions and customs but never took the blessing back.

Your gift will make room for you to express it. Even if you are afraid, remember, there is no courage without fear. The witches and dark forces will offer your adversaries your blood to gain favor. Be careful with whom you are seeking favor. They will eventually turn on you as well. In your journey, you will find set traps for you to fail. Many would like to see you on your knees in shame.

The wise use the enemy’s weapons in their favor to succeed. The people that belief in you will cheer you up and will always have your back. They will open a path and protect you while you pursue your destiny. They do not care to risk their life for yours. Even the very dark forces will have to surrender to your purpose and calling.

Raise like the Phoenix. Say your real name out loud. Do not be ashamed of yourself. You are more than enough. You are brave, smart, and called for a purpose. When you feel accomplished, do not forget where you came from and the people who made you who you are.

Remember your parents and ask for forgiveness even when you obtain glory and applause of the multitudes. Your ways were not their ways, and it was hard for them to accept it. They will be happy about your accomplishments, no matter what. You just got them by surprise. Virtues to remember and live by Loyalty, Bravery, Truth, and Devotion to your family.

Holding back is a vicious cycle

If maturity had come earlier, we all would have spoken our hearts sooner than later. We were shy, too insecure, or afraid of a dismissive reaction. We should have told someone, thank you, I love you, or I need you before it was too late. Instead, we grow older with those feelings hidden in our minds. I often think about what my unspoken words would have changed.

Maybe someone was waiting to know how I felt before taking a step closer. It is common in family dynamics. Everyone is guarding the heart against unnecessary pain, especially when we are young and don’t know how to open up about these matters of the heart. So many years lost is a tragedy.

We suppose we are the only ones afraid. I know that is not the case. I hope, is not too late for this message to reach someone in need of encouragement, no matter the age. Those lost opportunities prick our minds like a knife in the heart. No more chances are near or far.
Those we once loved then are not here, maybe, not even alive.

Lost opportunities to extend feelings we buried inside, worried about a cynical reaction. We live wondering if they ever knew how we feel. I know in my case, I feared rejection. Perhaps that’s why I always walked with a stern face, looking more secure than I am.

Maybe I gave them reasons to keep me at a distance. That was far from my desire. And so, it is that everyone has a misconception of the truth that only resides in you. I believe that’s why these types of writings are my favorite.

I’m trying to send a message to the Universe in the hope it reaches some corners of the world, or even the heaven where I know are some of those I miss and love dearly. Even if I never told them.


“Nothing lasts forever,” we often say when we are under stress. I’m glad that it is true even when the phrase sounds like a cliché. Would you have envisioned the hard situation turn into a blessing when your tears covered your eyes and you were about to lose your mind?

Thoughts of confusion, feelings of sadness, and deep depression were in the place of celebration. It was painful; no need to fan the flames. It made it almost unbearable. Nights of sorrow and many prayers gave us hope for a positive outcome.

A tender soul opens his eyes to the sun for the first time, but it was too strong to stare. I’m glad today you are strong, your face is now covered with a smile where once was the pain. I praise God that the phrase is not only a cliché but this year is our reality.

Soon we will celebrate the day you came to this world to complete our family. I love you more every day. You look like your father and your grandfather when they were your age, although your hair is red. Keep growing healthy, little fella, the best of you lies ahead.

We will watch you every step and cover you with a blanket of love and prayers that will last for eternity. You are dear to our hearts and a fulfillment of God’s promises that are yes and amen. He changes our sadness into dance and our trial into triumph.