Holding back is a vicious cycle

If maturity had come earlier, we all would have spoken our hearts sooner than later. We were shy, too insecure, or afraid of a dismissive reaction. We should have told someone, thank you, I love you, or I need you before it was too late. Instead, we grow older with those feelings hidden in our minds. I often think about what my unspoken words would have changed.

Maybe someone was waiting to know how I felt before taking a step closer. It is common in family dynamics. Everyone is guarding the heart against unnecessary pain, especially when we are young and don’t know how to open up about these matters of the heart. So many years lost is a tragedy.

We suppose we are the only ones afraid. I know that is not the case. I hope, is not too late for this message to reach someone in need of encouragement, no matter the age. Those lost opportunities prick our minds like a knife in the heart. No more chances are near or far.
Those we once loved then are not here, maybe, not even alive.

Lost opportunities to extend feelings we buried inside, worried about a cynical reaction. We live wondering if they ever knew how we feel. I know in my case, I feared rejection. Perhaps that’s why I always walked with a stern face, looking more secure than I am.

Maybe I gave them reasons to keep me at a distance. That was far from my desire. And so, it is that everyone has a misconception of the truth that only resides in you. I believe that’s why these types of writings are my favorite.

I’m trying to send a message to the Universe in the hope it reaches some corners of the world, or even the heaven where I know are some of those I miss and love dearly. Even if I never told them.

Shirly’s Evergreens

I must tell you the story about someone very dear to my heart. While beautiful and young she said goodbye forever to all the ones who love her and need her so much. Only in her early 30’s, she had an entrepreneurial spirit. She loved to encourage others to prepare and expand their careers.

A young woman full of determination to make a name for herself soon after arriving in this place. Back home life was not conducive to the opportunities she needed to succeed. The last hurricane devastated the island and, with earthquakes every day it was not the place to build a haven for her two teenage boys. She thought it was safer for them, not aware that soon they will be orphans.

She and her husband arrived in town and started working long hours while finding time to explore the surroundings as a family. One day by recommendation of a previous client she called me with her heart desires. I would like to buy a house, she said. Can you guide us through the process with minimal stress? I was thrilled to meet them. Through that transaction, we developed a friendship that lasted till the end of her days.

I helped her to find a contractor to expand her new home. He noticed she was not looking well and encouraged her to call me. She called me right away. Please help me find a lawyer, I heard at the end of that hard and sad conversation. She explained to me what the doctors told her about her condition. I need to prepare just in case. She never lost hope to beat that illness, not even for a second.

I remember her tears when I came to her side. “I will beat this cancer, you will see,” she said holding on to the hope of getting out of that terrible ordeal. I had her hands in mine making sure we talked about her relationship with our creator. I gave her all the love from our Heavenly Father through words combined with supplications.

Her mother was by her side assisting her in everything she needed for pain and comfort. She looks so strong while in her daughter’s presence. Now I know where my dear a Shirly got her courage. Her husband was without words but never left her side until she was gone forever.

I still remember showing them houses, and when we got to the one with the beautiful evergreens surrounding the front. She quickly exclaimed; this is the one! I know it in my heart! It reminds me of Puerto Rico, it makes me feel at home.

A year has passed, and I am back at the house. All her decorations are still up, her photos on the wall are a silent witness of the beautiful couple’s love. I got to see her older son; he has grown so much after losing his mom. The younger one stayed in Puerto Rico with his family.

I was talking to Shirley’s mother who was broken reminiscing how devastated she is and how much she misses her daughter. I still wait for her calls every day. She used to call me at a particular time. That is at the same time when she took her last breath, she said. I had no words to ease her pain. I just padded her back with tenderness. I was perplexed at her strength.

Her husband got there a little later, he held his emotions while we talked about selling their home. I was taking pictures the next day and we talked about the details of these events. Life can change in a moment.

The house is now packed with some of the memories her son is taking with him back to Puerto Rico. He wants to hold on to the things that remind him of his mom. It was extremely hard to control my tears when I saw the furniture wrapped. They cried a lot that night, I was told. We all remembered how she fell in love with the evergreens that happy day when she found her home.

The evergreens remind me of her every time I see one. Fly high, my amazon warrior. Your memory is still with us.