I CAN ONLY IMAGINE IF I COULD HAVE ONE MORE OPPORTUNITY!

Who else but you could leave in my being the deep emptiness that grew with me over the years. Perhaps not having your attention and flattery aroused the insecurity that I still carry with me to this day? Was it your lack of protection that allowed the innocent girl to fall prey to this wicked world? I was a baby, but you didn’t get to hold me or enjoy my sweet innocent smell.

Was that part of your regrets?

Time would not return to mend those mistakes. You understood it a little late. No worries, we all make mistakes. I have so many questions, so few answers. I want to understand you but failed to ask you. Now it’s too late. Those actions come at a high price. You were not the only one that carried the remorse and shame of your error. In me are some traces I can’t extinguish; they are like a voracious fire in the undergrowth. It seems that I continue to overcompensate with my own kids and grandkids for any lack of attention for fear of ending up with regrets like you at the end of your days.


I have no lack of forgiveness, and I do not even feel resentment, just an inexplicable sadness that I cannot tear down from my soul. I never told you about it for fear of hurting you. I suffered for the lack of your presence in my life. I cried for you and longed for you often. My mom made sure through the years that I had a great picture of you in my mind. At school, I felt rejected, perhaps because everyone knew that I did not belong to the family God chose for me in your absence.

So, I was growing and experimenting in finding where to fit in. It seems that the world did not understand me. I felt the need to be part of the big puzzle of life. I wanted to be in harmony with the ones closest to me. But something was missing. I could not fit in. I was an odd part of the puzzle. My edges were probably too rough, probably too uneven, and it just felt that I was in the wrong box.
Over and over again, I felt their indifference.

That indifference caused pain and confusion in my lonely heart. Today you are no longer here. I don’t have the option to explain to you what the few years we shared meant to me. There is no opportunity to tell you about the pride I felt to prove to everyone that you existed. That you were not part of my imagination, that you were real. That I also had the surname enjoyed by the brothers I later met.

I continue to feel the sadness that does not seems to leave me. On occasions, it consumes me. What can I do? I’m like that; maybe that’s why those who lived near me didn’t understand me, appreciated me, or allow me to be part of their lives. I am different because I carry thoughts in my mind that they cannot understand. They did not know that I always loved you and wanted to meet you.

Although only less than a hundred miles divided us, I was not able to see you or be around you until the day you shortened the distance between us. I was thirteen, and I felt your closeness. Since that white car, like the white horse and the knight in the story, approached my house, my blood yelled at me; here comes your DAD!.

If you read and heard the song, it means that you have connected with my story. This story is my reality, and it may also be yours. Know that God is a healer and part of the healing is letting go. You may not belong to a piece of a group in society but will always belong to God. Blessings!

Remordimientos

¡Es Tiempo de Sananidad!

A menudo pienso en los viejos tiempos y en los días que recuerdo con remordimiento. Las personas que te rodean y las que no ves a menudo pueden tener una idea sobre ti algo alejada de la verdad. Te encuentran fuerte porque conocen tu historia. Todavía estás de pie y así se prueban las personas fuertes. Al menos según ellos. No tenías más remedio que seguir adelante. Lograste casi todo lo que soñaste. Eso es genial, pero no es la imagen total de quién eres y los remordimientos que llevas en lo más profundo de tu corazón.

Hemos creado una fachada de la vida que queremos que todos vean, aunque a puerta cerrada nos quitamos la máscara. (Muy parecido a la realidad de estos días). En nuestra recámara permitimos que el verdadero yo se levante. Hace sentido. No queremos piedad ni murmuraciones.

Ponemos nuestra mejor sonrisa en el trabajo, frente a los amigos e incluso en la iglesia. A nadie le importa tu historia. ¿Por qué la has de contar? Esa es nuestra mentalidad y en muchos casos tenemos razón. Muy pocas personas tienen tiempo para escuchar lo que necesitas decir. Cuando te preguntan por la mañana que como estás, es solo un saludo, continúa y contéstales que estás bien. No hay tiempo para sentarse y charlar sobre tu situación, tu drama o tus necesidades personales.

¿Por qué me encuentro escribiendo sobre cosas que sucedieron hace mucho tiempo? Creo que algunos de esos recuerdos se manifestaron en mí como resentimientos hasta hace poco. ¡Gracias al Señor!

Al pensar y reflexionar sobre las razones y las raíces de muchos de mis problemas, aprendí que es demasiado común para muchos de nosotros. Me arrepiento de no haber llevado a mi padre a recibir el correo sin quejarme, no comprender a mi madre cuando le faltaba tiempo para mí. Ella estaba ocupada y no pude verlo hasta que críe a mis propios hijos. Un niño tiene una infinidad de tiempo libre. No lo notas entonces, pero tampoco tuviste tiempo para tus padres. Querías que se cumplieran tus necesidades. Sí, eras egoísta cuando eras joven.

¿Cómo cambiaste cuando criaste a tus hijos? Quizás no fuimos tan diferentes de nuestros padres. Demasiado ocupado, demasiado preocupado por las responsabilidades. Un poco egoísta con nuestro tiempo libre. Yo necesitaba hacer mis propias cosas; cocinar, limpiar, hacer manualidades y estar en la iglesia todos los domingos. Llevé a los niños a acampar, pescamos, disfrutamos de las vacaciones y muchas otras cosas. No tenía tanto trabajo como mis padres ni trabajaba en la granja. Aun así, el tiempo nunca parecía ser suficiente para satisfacer las solicitudes de mis niños.

Ojalá hubiera dejado a un lado mis quehaceres y hubiera pasado más tiempo abrazándolos y jugando. Ahora son adultos, con familias y carreras propias. Somos cercanos, compartimos y nos amamos. Sin duda, todo es como debe ser, pero a veces desearía poder hacerlo todo de nuevo y cambiar algunos detalles.

Me encuentro diciéndoles que presten atención a las necesidades de sus hijos. Me temo que se arrepentirán de haber perdido un tiempo precioso con ellos como me pasó a mí. Tuve el coraje para pedirles que me perdonaran si alguna vez me faltó mostrarles amor o afecto. Tú estás bien, dicen con una sonrisa.

Estos días soy intencional en la forma en que interactúo con ellos y encuentro formas de darles afecto y el preciado tiempo. Tal vez pueda recuperar parte de las oportunidades que perdí cuando era más joven y estaba ansiosa por lograr mis metas personales, aspiraciones y cosas que quería aprender.

Escribir sobre mis sentimientos me ha permitido llorar, pensar, evaluar y comprender un poco mejor esos sentimientos. Es una gran catarsis, te lo recomiendo. Necesito perdonarme a mí misma de una vez, debo entender por qué cometí algunos errores. La juventud, la inmadurez y la falta de tiempo juegan factores cruciales. Necesito también comprender y perdonar a los demás. No puedo cambiar el pasado, pero puedo enmendar el presente y planear un gran futuro.

Todos cometimos errores y los volveremos a cometer. Es la vida y no es perfecta. Estamos sujetos a fallar en cualquier momento. No seas tan duro contigo mismo. Sé la mejor versión de ti y no dejes que tus errores pasados se conviertan en remordimientos.

Pedir perdón a alguien no significa que lo obtendrás. Haces tu debida diligencia y dejas que el tiempo traiga la reconciliación, si es posible. Haz que tu corazón esté bien contigo y con Dios. Vivir con remordimientos es debilitante y contraproducente.

Expresa quién eres y muestra tus sentimientos. No guardes tus cumplidos, tus palabras de aliento o tus expresiones de amor. Si lo haces, es posible que pierdas una oportunidad preciosa y única. Lo digo por experiencia propia. Me tomó mucho tiempo perdonarme por ello.

Te deseo que seas bendecido y que vivas libre de remordimientos.

Los bendigo hijos míos.

Regrets

“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today”

Will Rogers

I often think about the good old days and the days I remember with feelings of regret.

People surrounding you, the ones you do not get to see, may often have an idea about you somewhat far from the truth.

People find you strong because they know your story. You are still standing and, that is how a strong person prove itself. At least according to them.

You had no choice but to move forward. You accomplished almost everything you dreamed of. That is great, but it is not the total picture of who you are and the regrets you carry in the deepest parts of your heart.

We have created a facade from the life we want everyone to see, although behind closed doors we take the mask off. (Very much like the reality these days). In our private rooms, we allow the real us to stand up. It is understandable. We do not want pity or murmurings.

We put on our best smile at work, in front of friends and, church events. No one cares about your story. Why would you tell? That is our mentality and in many instances we are correct. Very few people have time to hear or be interested in what you need to say.

When they ask you in the morning; how are you doing? It is just a greeting, please go on and say that you are okay. There is no time to sit down and chat about your situation, your drama, or your feelings. That only brings them exasperation.

Why I find myself writing about things that happened long ago? I believe some of those memories haunted me as regrets until recently. Thank the Lord for a breakthrough! Thinking and pondering about the reasons and the root of many of my issues I learned it is all too common for many of us.

I regret not taking my father to get the mail without complaining, or not understanding my mother when she did not have time for me. She was busy and I could not see it until I raised my kids. A kid has an infinity of free time. You do not notice it then, but you did not have time for your parents either. You wanted your needs to be met. Yes, you were selfish when you were young.

How did you change when you became a parent? Maybe we did not change much at all. Too busy, too preoccupied about the responsibilities. A little selfish in our free time. I wanted to do my things; cooking, cleaning, crafting and, be at church every Sunday.

I took the kids camping, we fished, enjoyed vacations and many other things. I was not as busy as my parents working at the farm. Then again, time seemed never to be enough to meet the little ones’ requests.

I wish I had put my chores to the side and spend more time hugging and playing. Now they are grown, with families and careers on their own. We are close, we share, and we love each other. No doubt our relationship is good, but sometimes I wish I could do it all over again and changed how I allocated my time when they were little.

I find myself telling them to pay attention to the matters I missed while raising them. I am afraid they will regret not spending precious time with their kids as I sometimes did when raising them. I found the courage to asked them for forgiveness in case I ever lacked on showing them love or affection. You are alright, they say with a smile.

I am intentional these days in how I interact and find ways to give them time and affection. Maybe I will make up for some of the time I missed when I was younger and eager to accomplish my desires, passions, and things I wanted to learn.

Writing about my feelings allowed me to cry, think, evaluate and, understand those feelings a little better. I needed to forgive myself, just as I need to understand and forgive others. I cannot change the past, but I can start afresh. We all made mistakes, and we will make them again. It is life and not perfect.

Asking someone for forgiveness does not mean that you will get it. Do your due diligence and let time bring reconciliation if it is the time to happen. Get your heart right with yourself and with God. Living with regrets is debilitating and counterproductive. Express who you are and let your feelings show.

Do not hold your compliments, your words of encouragement, or expressing love. If you do, you may have missed a precious opportunity. I know I did, and it took me a long time to forgive myself.

Be blessed and free of regrets.

The Little Red Car

In front of me, every time I sit down to write is a little red car that no one will ever drive. No other possession bigger or smaller warms my heart more than thinking about how the little car traveled home in my leather purse. He gave me the little red car, maybe in the … Continue reading The Little Red Car

I’m strong despite living with Anxiety

Social Media can be a devastating destination for many who will encounter the wrong information. Sinister “friends,” or aggressive and opinionated people can cause your more headache than you need. Everyone has a view on life. The experiences you encounter while growing up, your influencers, and acquaintances help you develop the glass color lens to … Continue reading I’m strong despite living with Anxiety