I’m Not Giving Up

When hope leaves my soul I don’t know where to turn. I search high and low to find a reason not to give up. I rehearse the life stories and the circumstances that brought me to this place.

I can’t go back and change a thing, there are no even a remote possibility. I think, I dream and never find a way to turn time around. Where has life taking me? I can’t reconcile my reality with the dreams I had as kid.

I look across my window and see the farm, the pond, the cows even a donkey is running around. All is so far from the memories I had of my fathers farm in Puerto Rico. I’m feeling lonely, broken, sad and confuse at times.

Why life didn’t keep us together? Why everyone scattered to diverse places. Holidays perhaps reunite us for a little while. I want to let go, I want to give up. Help me Lord to find a reason, to wait for a change of the season.

I trust you will make come to pass every spoken word over my life when I was down in the ground looking up to the cross. I will not give up today, I will hold on as long as you keep me strong and hold me with your right hand.

Camino de Soledad y Dolor

Nadie la vio caminando las calles con el corazón en pedazos. Las risas de los transeúntes se oían a lo lejos queriendo ahogar el dolor que calaba sus huesos. Los seres que la aman no estaban.

Era una época hermosa, los escaparates destellaban luces de colores y adornos simbólicos. La multitud le arropaba pero sentía la gran soledad que la embargaba. ¿Donde estaba aquel que la dejo sin importarle su dolor?

Ahí cerca en la calle donde el tren pasaba. En una casita donde una vez se juraron amor eterno quedó rota la esperanza. Suena una canción esta vez con más efusión.

Dónde vas María
Dónde vas María
Solita y a pie
voy buscando al niño
donde lo hallaré
voy buscando al niño aah ay
donde lo hallaré.

Deja salir las lágrimas que había luchado por guardar. Ya no hay vuelta atrás es hora de salir para siempre de ese lugar. Adiós al pueblo donde hasta las piedras cantan; aquel pueblo a nivel del Mar.

Allí donde el ojo de agua crea por lo general un ambiente de paz. Esa paz que hoy de ella se escapaba.

I Remember my Dad!

I miss you!

You went to Heaven. To the place, we will share one day for eternity. The home we did not have together when I was young and innocent. One day I will experience living with my dad for the first time and forever.

My days will not be sad, nor will I have to cry for you like when I was a child. I only wanted to know who you are. I will tell everyone that I had what they have, a dad!

In my younger years, I missed you terribly. I am glad for the day you came to meet me. I was thirteen, a skinny and scared child.

Driving the almost thirty-five miles was not as terrible or scary as you thought. My grandfather was not even present to complain. Everyone welcomed you with open arms, even my stepdad.

That early afternoon I saw a white Cadillac approaching. Or was it a Town Car? I was too young to recognize the difference. I hid for a while. I knew in my heart that car brought to me, my dad.

I do not know how I knew. Things of the Spirit that dwelleth in me since I was noticeably young? He is still with me, my comfort, my counselor.

For the first time, I will see his face. Do I look like him or just like my mom? I loved you from the moment I saw you. Your eyes told me how excited you were to see me, or was it that you remembered the old romance you had with my mom? Who knows, the heart is complicated. It could have been a combination of feelings, that is all.

Thank you, dad. You showed up and share with me a little bit of what others have for a lifetime. I remember my Quinceanera. You made me feel incredibly special.

One day in the future, we will be together forever. We will have a HOME. A home like the normal kids have. That is how I felt through the years. Different, unwanted, unfit to be a part of that family, except for my loving stepdad.

It is a terrible thing to bear. Fathers pay attention. Your child may be suffering silently in your absence.